Father's Day

My dad and me

With Father’s Day coming up this Sunday, it’s been a time of reflection for me as sadly my dad passed away when I was in my twenties and that was the main reason and motivation for me to give up my job in the city and change careers to retrain as a counsellor.

Being a counsellor was an idea I had always been curious about, but didn’t have the courage or self-belief to explore. Watching my dad do what he thought he was supposed to do his whole life and then dying of cancer before his time, really made me question everything we accept as normal and expected. It pushed me to think out of the box, get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself as a person.

We had very traditional roles in our family. My dad went out to work while my mum stayed home and looked after the kids. My mum did the cooking and cleaning, while my dad fixed the car and watched TV, that’s just the way it was then, but it had always felt to me that something more was possible.

Times have changed since those days and I’m really glad that as a society we are so much more liberal and open to sharing responsibilities and not being limited in our relationships by what is expected of us.

It’s made me think there is a flip side to all this fluidity and freedom though. If we no longer have ‘normal’ roles and expectations in our relationships, we are now left to our own devices to figure out what is ‘normal’ for our own families. That concept can be extremely liberating, yet scary and confusing at the same time.

In the counselling room, I often hear about issues couples have in terms of the expectations they have of themselves and each other. Especially when they have children and become parents, suddenly everything changes. These expectations are often not even something they have consciously thought about or talked about.

How did you do things in your family? What role did your father have in your family when you were a child and what do you expect a father’s role should be in your family now?

Recognising that we have a choice to create what we want our own roles in our families to be is really exciting to me. I think the important thing to take away from all this, is that your family and relationship can be anything you want it to be, everything is ok as long as you talk about it and agree on how you want your family to work.

The thing I always remember my dad insisting on is that we eat our evening meals together. He thought it was really important to have time together as a family and I have to say some of my fondest memories of my childhood are of getting take-out on the weekend and watching Saturday night television together. Time together as a family really is invaluable, so make the time to eat, talk, play and connect with each other.

If you're interested in finding out more about the role you play as a parent, you can fill out a Peoplestyles personality profile on the Relate website, which can help you to relate better to your family.

Have a great Father’s Day!

Making time to talk

It is general advice to say it’s important to ‘make time to talk’, but I think we can sometimes underestimate the positive effect having that time can have on our relationships.

The placebo effect

When clients start coming to therapy, I have noticed that very often in just the first few sessions, they will tell me that things in their relationship have been getting better, they are arguing less, talking more and enjoying each other’s company again.

There certainly is a strange placebo effect that takes place, because even though not much has changed, just making the time to talk about your relationship can calm things down and create a peace and newfound security with each other. Having space to talk means you will be able to sort out your issues; so anxieties decrease and your relationship improves.

Prevention is better than cure

If you are talking about things in your relationship regularly, they don’t have a chance to build up and create resentments and disconnection between you. This way you can head off any issues early on, before they become big problems further down the line.

Make an appointment to talk

When clients end their therapy with me, I often suggest they keep that appointment time slot for their relationship to keep talking and the added bonus is that now they get the money they would have paid for their session to spend on dinner and drinks!

Communication exercises

If you struggle to communicate with each other sometimes, take a look at this blog post for some ideas on simple communication exercises you can try:

• Top 3 communication tips to try at home

More support

If you have tried in the past to talk to your partner, but it seems to have made things worse or feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to contact Relate for a bit more support. 

If you have any questions or would like to book an appointment to meet with a Relate counsellor, call us on 0300 100 1234 or find your nearest Relate centre on our website.

Communication is NOT the most important thing in a relationship

There is a popular belief that ‘communication’ is the most important thing in a relationship. Indeed, when couples come in for their consultation at Relate they often tell me their problem is with ‘communication’. And the thing they want to fix about their relationship is their ‘communication’. And if only they could ‘communicate’ everything would be so much better between them.

I disagree.

Connection is actually the most important thing in a relationship

Yes, communication is important, but it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is actually connection. By connection, I mean that feeling of being on the same team, of understanding each other, that inexplicable warm happy feeling of being in love and together.   

I think this concept is really important to get our heads around, because so often it’s the key ingredient we are really fighting about.

‘A relationship is a state of being connected’

The Oxford Dictionary’s definition of a relationship is ‘the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.’

If this is so, with no connection, there is no relationship; one defines the other. It would make sense then that being disconnected from our partners can bring up some really painful, scary, insecure and lonely feelings for us.

The big mistake

Which can lead us to the ‘big mistake’. If we are struggling with connection in our relationships and feeling any of those difficult feelings above, it’s only be natural that we would want to reconnect with our partners to regain a feeling of love and wellbeing with them.

However, the big mistake we can make when we are not feeling connected, is to put too much focus on the problem and ‘over-communicate’ from a disconnected place.

It can be very difficult to communicate effectively and respectfully when we are feeling disconnected. Disconnection and difficulty go hand in hand, as you might be feeling frustrated or threatened, which can drive you both to fighting your own corners.

Then when you still can’t connect, you believe the problem is that you can’t communicate, when actually it’s just that we aren’t able to get our need for connection met. Unwittingly, we can then become trapped in a vicious cycle and communication breaks down further.

Why is connection the most important thing in a relationship?

At the heart of it, we are only communicating to try to make a connection and it is having a strong connection between you that will make you want to communicate with each other and make communication feel more open, honest and safe.

When you feel connected and united in your relationship, as if by magic everything, including your communication will begin to flow much more easily and effortlessly. It’s ironic that communicating from a connected place, will build on your connection, and the connection will build on your communication.

Shift your focus

In my last post I wrote about the Magic Relationship Ratio and explained how healthy relationships often have a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions. I would say that principal is also key here.

If you’re feeling disconnected and unable to communicate with your partner, the best thing you can do is shift your focus back to rebuilding your connection. Bring the fun and goodwill back into your relationship to offset your conflicts. Remember why you care and want to communicate with each other and why it’s important to you.

The good news is that working on your connection is fun. All you need to do is relax and enjoy some time together again, because when we are feeling loved and supported, we will naturally want to work on our communication as a result and it will all feel much easier and more connected!

Contact us

If you have any questions or would like to book an appointment to meet with a Relate counsellor, call us on 0300 100 1234 or find your nearest Relate centre on our website.

Have you had your five a day?

I ate way too many chocolate eggs over Easter and post-sugar high, I have been focusing on getting back to a more balanced diet. So as I was thinking about my Five a Day when it comes to healthy eating, I thought, what about our relationships? Are we getting our five a day when it comes to the good stuff that will nourish and sustain our relationships?

Magic five

Award winning marital therapist, researcher and author Dr John Gottman made a key observation of couples who stayed together, that they have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in their relationships.

A positive interaction might be a thoughtful action, asking questions, showing empathy, a kind word, a hug, a gift, a shared joke, a romantic gesture. And a negative interaction could be a criticism, a disagreement, hurt feelings, anger and hostility etc.

Gottman uses this ‘Magic Relationship Ratio’ to predict couples who will go the distance and who will divorce. He noticed that unhappy couples have higher negative to positive interactions and over time this slowly eroded the love between them.

Daily diet

Gottman says the balance is not equal because negative interactions hold a stronger emotional charge and have more power to damage your relationship than positive interactions have the power to heal.

So to keep your relationship healthy, make sure that for every one negative interaction you have with your partner, make up for it with five positive interactions to keep you in credit.

As long as you have five times as many good interactions with your partner as bad interactions, your relationship will be more able to withstand your rockier patches and be more stable overall.

Getting your five a day

I often see couples at Relate who have been focusing so hard on their problems that the joy and happiness seems to have disappeared from their relationship and they have become problem saturated.

Their positive to negative ratio count is dangerously low and this is putting their relationship into a very vulnerable state and they often feel they are at crisis point.

Build up some credit

My suggestion would be to try to park your differences for a while and put your focus back on building up some positive credit in their bank.

By that I mean go out and have some fun together. Plan a romantic date or just make some time to connect with each other. Up the positive interaction count so you remember why you are together, what you love about each other and make your relationship one that’s worth fighting for.

Park your problems with us

Perhaps you need a bit of help working on your negative interactions? It can really help to be able to park your problems in the counselling room while you work on having fun together, so don’t hesitate to contact us for more support.

Conflict is healthy

Gottman warns, the one negative interaction is just as important as the five positive in this ratio because conflict and arguments are also necessary to keep our relationships healthy and honest.

Couples who never argue or complain aren’t doing themselves any favours, as conflict avoidance is not the answer either.

For more about the ‘Relationship Ratio’ have a look at these links:

• John Gottman’s Magic Relationship Ratio on YouTube
• Psychology Today article on Marriage Math
• The Gottman Blog Positive Perspective post

Contact us

If you have any questions or would like to book an appointment to meet with a Relate counsellor, call us on 0300 100 1234 or find your nearest Relate centre on our website.